(a note to readers and newcomers)
You know the episode. Kramer and Newman reverse the peepholes on their apartment doors so they can, in the K-man’s words, “see if anyone is waiting to jack us with a sock full of pennies!”* It’s Kramer’s reply to Jerry’s reaction to this hilarious home improvement though, here above, that still hijacks us with laughs.
Looking to help yourself to an eyeful here, these quotes that still speak into our jacked-up lives? Welcome to the New York Times-endorsed world of Seinfeld-ism**. Below is a quick-reference guide to what’s on the blog (vs. what’s in the book, that first appeared here). Further below that are the “Seinfeld in culture” notes from along the near-15-year way here, chronologically arranged for reading convenience.
Post-It note FYI: Every few weeks I’ll repost one of the most-viewed “greats” from the book and tag that baby with an “!” in a manner worthy of saving Elaine’s relationship with her “Mr. Jujyfruits” ragazzo. Punctuation saves lives and relationships, friends. Except for the semicolon; yeah, that one’s as throwaway as a prune juice substitute for liquor out of the locked liquor cabinet.
The Re-Post! (One from the Book, Here for a Limited Time!)
“We mustn’t disturb the delicate genius!“
The Blog-Bound Sein-lines
“You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds.“
“I’m the wiz! And nobody beats me!”
“I don’t like this thing! And here’s what I’m doing with it!”
“Now what does the little man inside you say?”
“Cheese, George! Cheeeese!“ (Restored here as well to its blog-glory–only permanently–as “the post that the New York Times made famous” by citing it in their 2015 “Seinfeld Food Tour of New York” article.)
“Jerry, it’s Frank Costanza…George is dead. Call me back.”
“Well, now we’re gettin’ somewhere!“
“You’re a great guy. I love you, but you’re a pod.”
“I’m an old man. I’m confused!”
“Something’s missing alright.“
“Is it alright if I go to the bathroom now?!”
The Seinfeld-in-Culture Notes
“I don’t see architecture coming from you.“
“I don’t even really work here!“
“I never met a man who knew so much about nothing.“
“I don’t know what your parents did to you.“
“I had to take a sick day, I’m so sick of these people.”
“I’m gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.”
“What’s to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and 20,000 losers.”
“Oh, it’s got cache, baby! It’s got cache up the yin-yang!” (Fun fact: The most-viewed post among the notes here to date.)
“You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you Pimple Popper M.D.!”
“You’re pushing your luck, little man.“
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
“This was supposed to be the ‘Summer of George’!“
“Well, we can’t all be reading the classics, Professor Highbrow!“
*From “The Reverse Peephole,” Episode 12, Season 9
**“Seinfeld-ism” is here defined as the systematic belief that lines from the show are a deliberate lingua franca of coping with Life, navigating people, suffering relationships, blah blah blah. Ergo, this published collective of Sein-language that makes us comprehensible to one another is more than “Seinfeldisms”*** (note the no-hyphen)–quotes and clips to be relished like sips of great coffee on the daily.
Seinfeld-ism is not just what’s the line but also how to get by, whom to say it to, and where it could go (or should!) from there. A little less du jour like a good bisque; a little more touche for any rapport, on any given day.
A product push as shameless as Kramer hawking Hennigan’s No-Tell, No-Smell Scotch is in order here, in closing. Out of unwavering gratitude to Sweet Beans Coffee Bar in Hampton, Virginia, for most kindly being the exclusive launch location and happy-pappy residence of my book in autographed paperback. Why anyone would want my name in it, I’ve no idea. Personally, I think the books without the author’s signature should be worth more. I can hear Costanza now…
“Autographed copy, $13. No autograph, $20. The chances of success for my book are only hurt by my name being scrawled in it like a serial killer trying to fool the detectives.“
That cool-beans thanks percolated into here on the heels of an email I received yesterday from a fellow superfan of the show, who wrote to note his purchase of said book in said coffee bar AND to toss into the hopper his candidate write-up for a Sein-line to go in the Seinfeld-ism sequel I’ll be publishing later this year (or early next, if the Summer of Dave turns into the Fall of Dave, read into that what you will).
The sequel will feature all-new material both from this desk AND from the desks of those selected to have their submissions immortalized in the pantheon of the published. Selections, mind you, that will be made via my best Henry Fonda impersonation in coordinating with a scrupulous panel of average-citizen judges, who will be given all the Snapple and Junior Mints they want until they’ve voted as calmly and deliberately as the opening jury-duty scene in 12 Angry Men.
Hit me up, folks. (If the talent out there is anything like that of the one who emailed me Monday, well… “you’ve really built yourself up something didn’t you?” Now belt that talent to the back row! And make them feel the talent in themselves.) Oh, and…
Enjoy the show.
***In the years since I launched this blog and published the book, the internet and social media have become replete with purveyors of hyphenless Seinfeldisms, even in tweets. (With the advent of “X” do we call them tweets anymore? Are they “xeets” now—enunciation inspired by Xanadu?)
The hyphenated Seinfeld-ism is therefore as distinct here as, mmm, I don’t know…Zoroastrianism? (Or is it Xoroastrianism? Oh, I digress…I think Play Now is putting something in my food too.) In case you missed it, check out the updated home-page header and the About, both of which now more lucidly elucidate the aim of this blog/book. Like Windexing the heck out of that peephole. What a view.
Seinfeld-ism 