About (Hi ‘24)

Updated February 22, 2024

It’s been a marathon that goes back to 2007, when an idea struck me like a piece of grapefruit to the eye (pulp can fly, baby!). After years of coping with life’s complexities by applying or cleverly adapting a choice Seinfeld quote to the person(s) or the moment–and finding people laughing along with me–I realized, I need to write some of this stuff down.

How to use certain lines, that is, in a manner other than the obvious Mackinaw-peaches-to-peaches match of Seinfeld line to situation. (Like yelling “No soup for you!” in a Panera Bread line after a friend’s soup order gets botched.) Several ways to more cleverly “Seinfeld-ize” many a daily-life moment have manifested themselves over the years, as follows.

The first method we’ll call “The Commentator”: Drop a Sein-line that’s not subject-specific, but that clearly commentates on the situation.

For example, should you encounter someone who keeps mansplaining on whatever subject, Elaine’s classic sarcastic retort to an overweening George stands quite fine verbatim: “Tell us more, Mr. Science.” He doesn’t have to be discussing science, per se; the subject could be cars or kitchens, politics or sports, etc. The “science” of any one of those subjects (e.g., “political science”) speaks for itself. As does the middle-finger-flick of Elaine’s comment at the rather bulbous forehead of that man’s ego.

In the second method, “The Switcher,” strategically substitute the subject (or some other part of the syntax) of the Seinfeld line to nail the moment. In the above Elaine line, for example, if the mansplainer is an athletic coach, swap out science for the sport a la, “Tell us more, Mr. Soccer.” The syntactical switch looks like this: Say you’re at the car dealership for repairs, the auto tech walks in to render the diagnosis, and you preempt her with the interjection, “Let me guess…I need a new Johnson rod.”

The original George quote, of course, is “Yeah, you’re gonna need a new Johnson rod“ (sardonically mimicking what he presumed Jerry’s auto mechanic was going to walk in and grouse). Adapting just the voice–that is, using the first-person “I (need)” instead of the second-person “you (are gonna need)”–can make all the difference. Hilarious. Efficacious. Outstanding. (Jackie Chiles would be starry-eyed proud.) To laughter all around, this would be…even if it’s only coming from you after saying the line.

Third and final here is “The Re-characterizer”* method: Replace the Seinfeld character name with that of the person in question, in an apropos line. Elaine’s “Bravo, Vincent, bravo” becomes bravo to your bro, or your boss, or that mojambo…oh, you get the picture.

That’s the stuff of a society-enhancing blog or perhaps even a book, ain’t it?

Or so I thought back in 2007 and ran with it. Circa 2013, after a good jaunt, I was ready to “throw in the towel,” because by that point I didn’t think I even had a towel anymore–and not because some Ramone the Pool Guy was looting them like booty out of the locker room for vindictive shiggles. I was looking to end on a high note but had no idea what “high” looked like.

Making the New York Times in 2015 for my post on “Cheese, George! Cheeeese!” is about as high as “high” got in that department, at that time.

So then to really bow out, I wrote Seinfeld-ism the book, into which I culled the best of the best posts (e.g., “We mustn’t disturb the delicate genius!“–still the most-viewed one yet**) and stirred in some new, never-before-published material. That was 2020.

And here we are, with material still giddying its way up into the zeitgeist of these decades.

Here then is to more disturbing of delicate geniuses everywhere, ever-loving-and-suffering friends and family, giving kudos wherever they are due, and generally, happily applying to the daily grind every Sein-line you find worthy, nay necessary, to survive Life–whether from among the gems showcased here or out of the other, manifold treasures you yourself discover in the vast seas of the show…

Dave

Dave Bounds
Hampton, VA

*Inspired by “The Denoggenizer.”

**As of February 25, 2024, this popular post has been brought out of the Vault of the book and restored to its former glory here on the blog…for a limited time.

(c) David Bounds Ilardi, 2010-2024. Yes, I did my research on whether I might publish commentary on an original work like Seinfeld and call the commentary my own. It’s a fascinating read, if you’ve time to Google de minimis (i.e.,”trifling”), Castle Rock Entertaiment, and Seinfeld. And, yes, I’ve been waiting to squeeze de minimis into a conversation.