“You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I’m back in two seconds.”
February 8, 2011

A snappy observation to use when someone you know is asked to do something, and they could be moving a little quicker. They could use a little motivation. So you decide to give them some.

Setting up his son George with a job interview with a bra salesman, Frank Costanza told him that he should know something about bras–then admonished his wife Estelle to go get one of hers to illustrate. George objected to the discussion, but Frank pressed the point. And when Estelle took too long, he pointed that out too…in his own fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of way.

Our motivations come mostly by example: we pick up things from parents, friends, teachers, etc., and imitate (or amend) them. Then we reach a certain age and stop thinking of how such examples apply to us–and start talking to others, exclusively, about examples that apply to them. Because they sure could use the help.

Thanks to Frank you now have a fresh example for helping those slow-goers you come across: toss some tighty whiteys at them. This will confuse them, initially, as to where you’re going, but they’ll come around: no, you’re not going “commando” on them; you’re commanding their attention by giving an illustration to make a point.

Just be sure you have a point, or their reply is likely to be the equivalent of a “wedgie”–suddenly and unexpectedly yanking you into a laughable-yet-uncomfortable position.

From “The Sniffing Accountant”
Episode 4, Season 5
Seinfeld Volume 4, Disc 1
Timecode for the scene: 3:40

“You don’t think I can put asses in the seats?”
November 17, 2010

A snarky question to answer those who don’t think you can step up to the challenge–your answer here being, in so many words, You might want to stand back.

Elaine happened to overhear Jerry and George hatching a plan to find a woman to flash some cleavage at their TV show boss–to trap him in a “peek-a-boob” moment and hold it against him (because he had just caught George in a similar moment and held it against him). When Elaine didn’t hear her good friends drop her name, she dropped this chest-puffing line.

It’s curtains up every time we walk out our front door: time to perform, to put on a good show–the right face, the right words, the right clothes. Then along comes a doubting Thomas in your workplace or circle of friends who doesn’t believe you’ve got what it takes to pull off a certain something, and you’ve basically one of two options with your next choice of words:

1) Shrink from their disbelief.

2) Jolt the audience like you’re Bon frickin’ Jovi popping up out of the stage in the “Lay Your Hands on Me” video.

Elaine’s line let’s your audience know you’re not into shrinkage.

From “The Shoes”
Episode 17, Season 4
Seinfeld Volume 3, Disc 3
Timecode for the scene: 16:43

“Boutros-Boutros ‘Golly.’”
July 15, 2010

A brilliant observation to express childlike wonderment when you’re faced with something so stunning that coherence escapes you.

When Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine encountered a half-naked woman on the beach where they were vacationing, the first words out of Jerry’s mouth were “Boutros-Boutros Ghali.” (The last word pronounced “golly.”) Momentarily awed, like a schoolboy peeking into a beautiful neighbor’s bedroom window in a 1980s’ movie, Jerry didn’t say, “Wow, look at those….” No “Hubba hubba.” Not even a “Breathtaking.” Just the name of the Egyptian man who served as the sixth Secretary-General of the United Nations from 1992 to 1997.

Golly evokes the younger days of talking for hours on end—“What do you think of this?”; “What about that?!”—but your vocabulary only filled five minutes with original material. Translated from the adolescent tongue, it means “I don’t know what to say but I’m working on it.” Boutros-Boutros “Golly,the adult version of golly, will leave people around you nodding. If they are as smart as you, the name drop will also leave them thinking, “That reminds me of a Trivial Pursuit question I once had….” This is a win-win situation either way.

You don’t know what to say but you’ll come off sounding like you do.

From “The Hamptons”
Episode 21, Season 5
Seinfeld Volume 4, Disc 4
Timecode for the scene: 4:00

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