“Worlds are colliding!”
November 2, 2010

This post has been moved permanently to the book–a “Seinfeld survival guide for life”–now out on Amazon in paperback and ebook, with all new, previously unpublished material! Don’t miss it. You want to keep dominating the dojo, don’t you? Giddy up!

“Khaaaaan!”
September 10, 2010

A window-shaking shout-out for those times when you know you can’t arrange for someone who screwed you over to die a fiery death in a starship explosion…but it sure is cathartic to think about for a moment.

At the graveside of George’s fiancee, Susan Ross, Jerry stood nearby with Mr. and Mrs. Ross (while George “mourned”). “She’s not really dead,” Jerry told Susan’s parents–quoting Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan–“if we find a way to remember her.” When the Rosses’ way to remember Susan came to be–a philanthropic foundation with George on the board–Jerry’s remark incurred the Wrath of George against Khan–er, Jerry.

How you react to someone who screws you over ranks right up there with the most important decisions you’ll ever make in life–because, ultimately, you must act decently. (After all, we do live in a society.) George demonstrated for us one measure we might take: yelling at the top of your lungs in public. You might yell at the abstract World, but in this situation that’s not sufficient. Better to yell the name of the person you’re deriding.

But since life doesn’t really work like that–that’s the stuff of movies–better to yell a fictitious name, like one from a movie. Because to quote a movie that fits a life situation…that’s the stuff of life.

From “The Foundation”
Episode 1, Season 8
Seinfeld Volume 7, Disc 1
Timecode for the scene: 13:11

Dedicated to Flick Club.

“Something’s missing alright.”
August 25, 2010

An under-the-breath observation to make when confronted with someone who doesn’t understand why the pieces of the puzzle before them don’t fit. But you understand.

When George’s parents joined him and his fiancee, Susan Ross, for dinner with Susan’s parents, the cornish game hen they were eating set Mr. Costanza to pondering aloud which bird—the chicken or the rooster?—procreates with the hen. “Something’s missing!” he effused, and Mrs. Ross, just as she sipped her wine, amused everyone with this reply.

A penchant for puzzles is a part of human nature, hence the great range of things that come in pieces for us to try to put together: the epic picture on soft cardboard, the plot points of a mystery movie, the instructions for a new household appliance. Emphasis on the word try. To try is human, and to solve—that’s not divine; that’s human too. Some people just require a little encouragement–and maybe a glass of wine for anyone standing around watching them–until they arrive at the solution.

Which brings us to Mrs. Ross’s brilliant reply, a commentary on Mr. Costanza’s shortcomings without bringing him up short—like the famed nursery rhyme about Humpty Dumpty. Ole Humpty might’ve been too complex for anyone to reassemble, but all the king’s horses and men might’ve also just been idiots.

From “The Rye”
Episode 11, Season 7
Seinfeld Volume 6, Disc 2
Timecode for the scene: 6:56

“George is gettin’ upset!”
July 20, 2010

A self-explanatory observation for those times when circumstances cause you to talk in an abnormal way—referring to yourself in the third person, for example.

When George’s good friend Elaine struck up a friendship with his girlfriend Susan, George’s worlds collided. Hapless, he could only watch. Speechless he was not, however, and one of George’s replies was to take a page from an old basketball-playing friend who loved to talk about himself—“Jimmy likes Elaine”; “Jimmy’s down!”—and rewrite it to address his own pathetic situation.

Rewrite at will to make it your own: the Jimmy-George inspiration behind this observation also begat “George is losing it!”, “George is gettin’ frustrated!”, and even expressions for situations that were the opposite of pathetic (e.g., “George likes his chicken spicy!”). All of these excel at self-improvement—and make a decent contribution to society, to boot. Announcing aloud just how beside yourself you are is a courtesy to anyone within earshot. You’re just letting them know where you stand.

From “The Pool Guy”
Episode 8, Season 7
Seinfeld Volume 6, Disc 2
Timecode for the scene: 11:10

%d bloggers like this: