“Hellooooo!”
February 14, 2013

A jovial shoutout to insider-joke stupidity, disguised as a greeting—for when you care enough to send the veritable jest.

Jerry joked with George that, when Clare, the woman Jerry was then dating, fell asleep, her stomach stayed awake and talked to Jerry–the voice overblown and jolly, like a caricature of a human being: “Hel-looooo!” followed by “Talk to meeee!” or “La-la-laaa.” Jerry and George laughed it up with Kramer, who also picked it up (Elaine just put it down)…until Clare found out about it and, disgusted, basically told Jerry It’s me or the voice. And, just like that, Jerry’s hel-lo became a good-bye.

This is the voice of one talking behind another’s back. That someone you are talking about walks into the room right as you and a friend are talking about that someone, and up goes your voice, silly big, the “o’s” booming out of one side of your mouth, Hel-looooo! The gusto of the faux greeting will leave the butt of your joke thinking that nothing but kind things are going on here.

Don’t let one too many know what’s going on here. The fewer who are “in” on your joke, the better, as Elaine pointed out when, hearing “the voice” for the first time, she asked Jerry what it was:

Jerry: “Oh, it’s just this stupid thing.”
Elaine: “Well, I’m sure it’s stupid….”

That is to say, at some point the stupidity of your joke will be revealed. And it is at this point that, as George, Kramer, and Clare illustrated, your friends will likely abandon you. Unless, of course, that sort of thing doesn’t bother you—in which case, by all means, continue the voice, starting with those “friends”:

“Fare thee welllll! La-la-laaa.”

From “The Voice”
Episode 2, Season 9
Seinfeld Disc 1, Volume 8
Timecodes for the scenes: 1:06 (Jerry and George initially), 3:02 (Kramer and Jerry), 3:50 (Elaine to Jerry), 6:50 (George, at work, to Jerry), 9:10 (George and Jerry, at the café, to Kramer), 9:50 (Jerry to Clare), 13:24 (Jerry, again to Clare, saying good-bye), 14:20 (Jerry and George, the latter souring on the voice), 14:45 (Jerry to Elaine), 15:10 (Jerry saying good-bye in the voice to Kramer), 20:55 (Jerry to Clare, at the end), 22:05 (Jerry, George, and Kramer at the end)

“What is this salty discharge?”
July 29, 2010

A befuddled observation to make when life forces are compelling you to be an Emoticon–but you will remain a Vulcan.

Jerry’s girlfriend goaded him to get really mad, because she hadn’t seen Jerry show such emotion. When Jerry finally did—ranting something about having had enough flan—Jerry’s girlfriend decided she’d had enough. She departed, and Jerry started wiping his eyes. “Oh my God, you’re crying,” Elaine chimed in. “This is horrible,” Jerry replied–and discovered the context for this phenomenon: “I care.”

You may be otherworldly in your ability to hide your feelings, but even you, like Jerry, have to keep a thing or two in that glass-faced box marked “Break in Case of Emotion”–just like the rest of humankind. That bumper sticker on your vehicle that says People say I don’t care…but I don’t care is no better than the polish on that vehicle: it’s rubbish, ultimately, in the face of time and circumstance. So when those teary moments come up, rare as they may be, reach for this observation.

The sterile wording will override whatever your tears are communicating, leaving those around you with this context: OMG…he doesn’t care!

From “The Serenity Now”
Episode 3, Season 9
Seinfeld Volume 8, Disc 1
Timecode for the scene: 11:05

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