“Well, this has all been one big tease!”
August 30, 2011

A flabbergasted observation to make when you’re headed in a certain direction–you know where this is going–then you pass a sign that says, “This road has no outlet.”

Looking to reduce the time in his shower routine, Kramer badgered Jerry into standing in his shower and acting out what he does in his routine. When Jerry left it at that–no disrobing, no sudsing–Kramer popped the cap on his inflated expectation, deflating with this line.

Not getting what you want. It’s at the heart of both types of teasing: the taunting kind, which we deal with as children (“Quit teasing me! Mo-o-om…”) and the titillating kind, which we deal with as adults (“She’s teasing me! Ma-a-an…”). The man-child Kramer brings both together in one exclamatory statement. Jerry doesn’t shower it up, so Kramer dresses him down, the “hipster doofus” calling his good buddy the “shower doofus.”

In Kramer’s hands, note, it is a silly taunt–that’s the rub. So you didn’t get that raise? Waited for a relative who didn’t show? Offered some champagne to celebrate the big news, then your friend finds he has no bubbly in the house after all? Go ahead. Tell them what this is. Let your voice crack a little, a la Kramer, on the tease–like your voice is changing, indicating a breaking through into maturity.

And that is what you are doing with every Kramer-ian tease: showing some maturity. We can’t always get what we want. That’s just life. So rather than get upset, get a little silly.

A little immaturity, in other words–in this case–is actually the mature thing to do.

From “The Apology”
Episode 9, Season 9
Seinfeld Disc 2, Volume 8
Timecode for the scene: 5:45

“You know, sometimes when I think you’re the shallowest man I’ve ever met, you manage to drain a little more out of the pool.”
July 19, 2010

A picturesque put-down to use on the superficial people in your life who could stand to be pushed into a pool–clothes and all, unexpectedly, right when they’re making some grandiose point.

Plunging headlong with Elaine into the classic “real or fake?” debate about a certain female body part, Jerry thought he’d ended the discussion with the upper hand. Elaine one-upped Jerry by telling him, in this indirect but illustrative way, to get real.

The analogy takes a monochromatic put-down (“You are so shallow”) and colorizes it with sarcastic flair. Substitute “shallowest” and the “pool” part with any number of similar put-downs that give rise to suitable analogies (e.g., “Just when I think you’re the loudest person I’ve ever met, you manage to stack a few more speakers on the stage”).

Just be sure to properly fit your put-down into the shallow/pool construction, or the analogy for your situation will be the classic throwing yourself from a stage and into the pool of a crowd—who promptly sidestep as you face-plant onto the floor.

From “The Implant”
Episode 19, Season 4
Seinfeld Volume 3, Disc 4
Timecode for the scene: 6:00

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