“It’s gonna be rough.”
September 24, 2010

A deadpan observation to use when someone you know gets all worked up about something, and you take it upon yourself to bring them down.

A car radio preset for a Christian rock station had revealed to Elaine that boyfriend David Puddy was not only a man who loved him some Arby’s–he was also a man of some piety. After his silly condemnation of her (“You’re the one who’s going to hell”) and her silly resignation over it all (“The heat–my God, the heat!“), Elaine tried to change the conversational tune: a little less “Highway to Hell,” a little more “How’s It Going to Be.” So Puddy obliged her.

If you obliged all the people in your life who needed to bend your ear over their insufferable situations, things would get bent, all right: your mind, for one thing, and eventually your entire life. Think of all the woe-is-me chatter you’ve endured from relatives, for example, how they bent you out of shape. This is why you need a little something to end their suffering in your ear–a little channel-changing comment. You need a little Puddy.

And here it is. To the Elaines in your life who turn up the heat of discussion–wanting to get on with a real conversation–you bring up Puddy’s line to dismiss it and get on with an Arby’s night.

From “The Burning”
Episode 16, Season 9
Seinfeld Volume 8, Disc 3
Timecode for the scene: 17:36

“That seems about right.”
August 16, 2010

A hard-hitting observation to use when someone brings up a personal subject–assuming everyone will keep their distance–and you decide to hit that thing like a pinata.

Kramer’s acting gig at a local hospital–portraying different ailments for medical students to diagnose–soon landed him a role he thought was beneath him. When he later walked into Jerry’s apartment and announced “Well…I got gonorrhea,” Elaine admitted outright that she didn’t see anything wrong with this picture.

People sometimes reveal something about themselves, inviting you to comment in a discriminate way: do you juggle the subject (“Are you sure?”)?; deflect it (“You need to talk to…”)?; duck it (“I’m hungry–let’s get something to eat”)? These are the times that try men’s souls, because what you’d like to say is the truth–except most people can’t handle the truth.

Which is why, sometimes, you must speak the truth, even if it has all the effect of pulling out a bat. People may furrow their brow and stand back a little because they’re not sure what you’re going to do next. “I really dorked that up,” your cousin says; and with the four words of Elaine’s line you say not only “Yes, you dorked that up” but also “Because you are in fact a dork.”

Imagine the more meaningful conversation that would follow that.

From “The Burning”
Episode 16, Season 9
Seinfeld Volume 8, Disc 3
Timecode for the scene: 7:52

“And the heat—my God, the heat!”
July 27, 2010

An upbeat observation to make when someone makes you feel like it’s the end of your world as you know it…but no, you feel fine.

When Elaine confronted boyfriend David Puddy about his religiosity, he waved it in her face like a giant foam finger that said “John 3:16” and “We’re #1!” Taking a line from Puddy’s canon (“Don’t boss me! This is why you’re going to hell”), Elaine went finger-for-a-finger and poked him right back: “You should care that I’m going to hell even though I am not.” She even finger-painted a picture of how rough it was going to be (devils, ragged clothing, etc.)…just to be sure her enlightened man saw her light.

Use Elaine’s frantically silly comment when the heat is on—from the abyss of your job, the purgatory of a relationship, the living hell of that family reunion, etc.—and you will paint this picture: of course you can take it. Yours may be the only laughter here, but since laughter does good like a medicine, that means you’re saving your soul—and they should be losing their religion.

From “The Burning”
Episode 16, Season 9
Seinfeld Volume 8, Disc 3
Timecode for the scene: 17:36

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